Nathalie

I have lived as much of a basketball life that you possible can, including the drama, the who did what, the she sucks at this or that and...yeah you name it basically. People have trashed talked me, i have trashed talked people too, it is like it's a part of the game, but really it's not. I wish at times that i could turn back the time til when i was 12 and the only thing we worried about was who we were playing and if they were good or not...either way, we would beat them. But im not 12 anymore and i dont play basketball anymore. Tonight at the game i missed playing, being a part of it but on the other hand i think back about the last year before i left for the US. The last thing that that year was was easy. My world fell apart, at least that's what i thought. The year started out great, i meet a guy ofcurse he was a pro basketball player, we fell in love and dated inoficially, why share something that would give people somehing to talk about? Well, things didnt go to good, he obvioulst cheated on me with a friend of mine, or that is what i have heard, he wont tell me and neither will she, but it was obvious i dont know how i couldent see it when it was right there infront of me. It broke my heart i was devestaed but didnt show anything to the rest of the world, but i was crying on the inside every day, and usually when i was at home too. At the same time i was fighting to recover after a loooong struggel with a quit usual diseases, but ohh so complicated, i wanted to get back out on that floor so bad, shoot, dribbel and have fun, with a new coach on the team i was on, i doubted what to do. After christmas i just went with it and started playing, it helped my recent heartbreak to heel...i thought. I got back out there and i got not happy but fine again.

Going back to that world again tonight, if even just for a night was.... complicated and akward in one way. There is so many questions i would like to ask people, there is so many situations i dont know how to handle, cause i have never handled them like that before, or never had to worry about being in those situations. Sounds like tonight was nothing but bad, but it was hard and at one time it felt like i just had to get out of there to be able to breath again, and to be respected for me, for being Nathalie, not for the player i could have been, the talent im wasting by not playing or how i look, but for being Nathalie,me.

This is the always returning dilemma in swedish basketball, maybe not for everyone, maybe people have it all figured out, but i dont. And tonight sure didnt make it easier.

Sorry for the text being so long, i needed to get it out of me. Have a great friday night, im gonna go to the store and get some magazines and lay in bed and read some tabloids. LOVE!

 Me, several years agao!