Nathalie

It's been a good weekend...so far. What would life be without these speciall people who helps you through and help you feel better, there is nothing my girls wouldent do for me, and that is a great feeling. Maybe friendships are deeper then other relationships? I dont know. I just know thta im trying to live life and not live in the past.

Friday night was a great night with lots of laughter and craziness... Saturday was nothing but school work and plenty of ice hockey, which is pretty much a good day, a quite day.... i guess i did some damage at the mall with my step dad too, gotta stay up at the top now, cant just give that up too. And today? Well, there will be soma dangerous studying, cleaning the apartment, working out and meeting up with some loved ones. A great day that is.

A friend said this qoute to me this weekend... a qoute that really got stuck with me:

Jag vet inte, men det känns jätte skumt att skriva på svenska och jag tror att jag kommer gå tillbaka till att skriva på engelska, men jag har inte bestämt mig ännu så fram tills jag verkligen har bestämt mig så blir det lite svenska inlägg här och lite engelska inlägg där... hoppas att det är okej!  

I have decided to write in english after all, it's easier for me to write in, i get more thoughts and feelings out of my system writing it in english. So it's back to basics....maybe. There will be posts in english and some in swedish til i have made my mind up again.

Last night was nothing but fun, since valentine's day is my Bonus dad's birthday i took him and my brother out for dinner, my mom was gone for some work thing. We had a blast and some really good food. It's nice to just go out and eat and talk about things, without anyone having to worry about cooking, doing the dishes or set the table. I hope the other two in my company enjoyed it as much as i did... but i think they did. I hope all of you out there had a good night and that you spent some time with the people that really does mean something to you.

Det är lustigt hur vissa låtar påminner en om en massa olika saker, minnen, egentligen. Jag försöker lyssna på låtar som jag inte deppar ihop helt av just nu, låtar som inte är "våra", men någon dag ska jag väll klara det också. Snart kanske....vem vet? Just nu sitter jag och bara lyssnar på musik och just nu är det dom här låtarna som fångat mitt intresse mitt i den här stormen.

Kelly Clarksson - Never again
Chris Brown - With you
Heart - Alone
Heart - I didn't want to need you
No you hang up - Shayne Ward
Rihanna - Don't stop the music
Cascada .- What hurts the most
Cascada - Everytime we touch (Slow version)
Alicia Keys - No one
Akon ft. Micheal Jackson - Wanna be starting...
Seal - Amazing
Dixie Chicks - Not ready to make nice
Journey - Don't stop believing

Well, ibland är det så att musik är en del i ens läkande. Det här är lite av min playlist just nu... Worth downloading i'm telling you!

Jag önskar er alla där ute en underbar alla hjärtans dag, hoppas att ni verkligen tar hand om er själva och de ni älskar, men självklart inte bara idag utan visa de som betyder något vad de betyder varje dag, det är dom värda och ni är värda att bli likadant behandlade. Ta hand om er själva och varandra. Jag har aldrig varit något stor fan av alla hjärtans dag, har aldrig riktigt gjort något speciellt eller liknande, men förra året hade jag bästa tänkbara dag med personen som betydde mest för mig, jag fick en ring som jag har haft på mig varje dag sen dess, en ring som synboliserade att det skulle vara vi hela livet....men things changes. Ha en bra dag!

Happy V-day!

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Have a great valentines day, take care of the people you love, just not today but every day, do it because you every day counts and because there is no one else like that/those people. Make every day count. I have never been a big fan of valentines day, but last year was the best ever in my life, not alot could top what i got and who i spent it with. Things changes. Have a great day.

Det är inte lätt och det är inte kul, det är jobbigt, det gör ont och det tar tid... speciellt när det är så att man inte vill släppa, inte vill vara utan. Det som är ännu mer synd är att något som har vart så bra, något som har betytt så mycker och något som faktiskt har fungerat kanon igenom allt det vi gått igenom ska sluta så tvärt och så....oförklarligt. Men som jag skrivit tidigare kan jag inte göra något, jag kan inte och jag kommer inte. Var det nu man skulle sätta på sig hatten och försäka att bara gå vidare med ett brett leende på läpparna? Well, jag ska försöka, jag ska göra mitt bästa, jag ska göra allt jag kan... för mig själv.

Det kommer antagligen att se konstigt ut och känns konstigt för er att läs amin blogg på svenska, och det känns ännu konstigare för mig att skriva på svenska, det kan bli så att jag pendlar mellan svenska och engelska...beroende på vad jag skriver om osv. Hoppas att det är okej.

Solen skiner, fåglarna kvittrar, det är klarblå himmel och snart är det lunch. Sätta på sig hatten var det va(och leendet!?)... Time to go.

Jag kommer från och med nu skriva på svenska i min blogg, det kommer antagligen att finnas med en del engelska ord, citat och liknande, men jag har inte längre någon anledning att skriva på engelska. Om det är så att jag vill skriva på engelska så kommer jag nog att byta blogg adress helt och vill ni då veta den adressen så får ni fråga efter den i kommerntar fältet, men i will let you know! :-)

Translation
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I will NOT be writing in english anymore in here, the main reason I did was because i wanted Chad and i to have another way to communicate, and another way for him to know what i was doin, what i had been up to and such, but since time has changed i have decided to keep my blog but to write in Swedish. Of curse there will be times when there will be qoutes and such in english, songs and maybe even a few notes here and there, but the main language will be Swedish. There will be no things written in swedish that i would not be able to tell or already had told the people concerned. Have a good one!

When i got home yesterday afternoon I had a package laying on teh kitchen table, someone had sent me a little present, or a little something. When i open it up it was a box of chocolates shaped as hearts and note inside saying: " Have faith! Love Helené". My heart melted. My friends are priceless. You are the reason i can breath right now.

I never did anything to hurt you, I never wrote anything to tell you what to do or not to do. I'm not a part of your life right now and i have no saying. I never meant for you or anyone else to think that you were a bad boyfriend, you were the best there is, thorugh good and bad, whatever it might have been you were there even if we were oceans apart no one was there for me like you were... if you would have been a bad boyfriend letting go wouldent have been hard, it wouldent hurt this much and it wouldent even matter. It matters, you matter, it hurts, it's hard to let you go when i dont want to, but im letting you go cause thats what you want me to do, im letting go cause you see nothing for us. I'm letting you go because i have to not because i want to, i'm letting you go because you want me to. So all i'm doing right now i'm doing for you, even though you might not think so. I want you to be happy, i want to be happy too, but i think our happy is diffrent happy. I just want us in the future to be happy with one another, whatever relationship that might be. I would give you the world if i could and all that you wanted. Maybe i should just let you go so that there is an opening for us in the future, so that i can keep you in my life, so that i can get you back in my life later on...so what we had isn't destroyed by us at this point. I'm letting you go.

I'm trying to get things figured out, I don't understand what happend, I don't get it, and I guess that somewhat it dosen't make me feel better and it dosen't help me figure things out, but the people I have talked to that knows us both, people that are either here with me or "over there" don't get it either. I just wish I would understand, I just wish that someone would understand and tell me, explain it to me. I just wish that it would be okay that i picked up the phone to call you,  I just wish that this would make sense, or that... I just dont get it, I just don't know.

All i want to do is to call you, all i want to know is how you are doing, how is your knees, how did basketball go, how is school going... I just want to know. I just want you. But someone needs to make me understand.

I just wish... I just wish i would know....

Did you, or even do you, ever think about what you are missing. Do you ever think that you might ever get to see me again, never get to give me a hug again, never kiss me, never smell the smell of my hair, never smell the scent of my skin... you might never even get to see me smile again, never get to make me laugh again and never here me say "hello" or " i love you", "how are you", "i miss you", "i know you can do it"... did that ever cross your mind?
I dont understand whats happening, i dont understand why you dont want to be in my life, with me, or more then just a friend, you told me there is nothing that i did, you just can't be with me, just not right now...well i think you meet someone, someone that might not mean more to you but atleast she is there and she can see you every night, she can watch you play every game, she can hold you when you are hurting, she can make you laugh and it's not thorough the phone...i wish i could and i can.. just not til after this summer, but that dont seem to matter. I dont seem to matter anymore...what we had and what we would have dont seem to matter.

I just wish i would matter to you, i just wish you would want me. I just wish you didnt have someone else.

Sometimes things happens, things that you feel like you have no control over. When these things happens i shut my feelings, thoughts and...well yeah, everything off. Its the easiest thing to do, maybe not the best, but it sure as hell is the easiest. When you make deiciosn out of something, a decision that you aren't a hundred procent secure with or that dosent feel all that good, but you still made the decision...then is it right? I could write a million questions on here, but im not gonna bother you with that. Therefor my blog will probably be more of a quote blog then anything else, atleast til i have my feet back on the ground, my heart and my head in the game again, i hope that it's soon, but i have no gurantees. All i want....